Maestro’s Adventures in Wonderland

Hey guys,

Sorry for the long absence, it's coming down to the crunch in school and I am slowly being suffocated by the looming work ahead of me. In any case I have a semi-entertaining story for you all (I restrained myself from writing "y'all" right there, be proud of me!) so without further ado…

For those that didn't figure it out, I meant Wonderland, not Wonderland. This past Sunday (May 23) my friends and I (Let's call them Matty and Lowtool) decided to christen our season passes with a trip to Wonderland. I could tell you about the trip minute by minute, but that would probably bore you to death, so I will only highlight the blog-worthy bits.

 

2 Girls, 1 Phone

If you know Wonderland, the three of us were sitting in on the edge of the fountain-pool-place near the entrance when two girls approached us and asked to borrow our phone for a call, their phone died. After a moment's hesitation, Matty gave them his phone, to the reception of a dazzling smile from the one girl. We then began to awkwardly make small talk amongst ourselves as this strange girl used Matty's phone.

Now, the obvious thing to do, and the thing that we were all thinking, would be to ask for their numbers, definitely not out of line. Though we were thinking this, I am not currently in a position where I would be able to do something like that and not feel guilty; Matty was in a similar, though somewhat delusional, situation, so the responsibility fell to Lowtool. This is quite amusing because out of the three of us, he has the least experience with women.

It was a tense few moments while this girl made her phone call, her friend stood awkwardly beside her and Matty and I made small talk while shooting glances at Lowtool who was staring at his shoes. This arrangement was kept up until the girl finished her call and handed Matty his phone back with a "Thank you so much!" seasoned with an accent that was at one time native to Britain, but somewhat acclimatized to Canada. Matty took his phone back with a mumbled thank you and the girls walked off into the crowd.

We spent much of the next half an hour berating Lowtool for not asking for their number. Not that any of us would ever do anything with it, but it would be good to know that we actually could if we wanted to. Either way, it was a wasted opportunity.

 

Some Guys on a Hill

(I was going to call this section "Two Fools on a Hill" after the Beatles song 'Fool on a Hill' but that may offend some people)

On the big hill (near the stage, where people eat lunch) the three of us decided to stop and eat our fries and cookiewiches (they wouldn't get funnel cakes…). As we sat down we noticed two shirtless guys just downhill from us. This wasn't really out of the ordinary as there were a few water rides open. It was a bit odd when one began rubbing sunscreen on the other, and it was really odd when he began focusing on his nipple. We just began to discuss them when one leaned over and gave the other a kiss. At this point the entire hill was focused on them. This continued the whole time we were there, one sat in the others lap and were very intimate. The whole hill was watching them while pretending not to. It wasn't even the fact that they were gay; this would be pushing the boundaries for even a straight couple. Anyway, it was an uncomfortable situation.

 

Trespassing

This anecdote shows the ranking of badassness in our threesome. It ranks as so: Myself, Lowtool, and then Matty in a far third.

In Wonderland there is a Concert Hall that is normally closed to the public. Today though, the gate was slightly ajar.

I convinced Lowtool to come with me to explore while Matty stayed outside the gate texting. As we rounded the path we saw a giant stage with drum kit and everything. It was totally empty. We ran around and explored for a bit before going back to get Matty. Once the three of us were there we explored all around the stage, including the open storage truck in back. We played the drums, jumped around on stage and finally sang into the nonexistent microphone (Lowtool wanted to say he said "Nigger" on the same stage as all these famous people). It was at this point that I saw the first employee walking along the path. I called out and all three of us instantly hid. Once he had moved on we decided to get out of there, and were walking towards the exit when two more employees spotted us and began to walk towards us. We ran.

Our adrenaline was pumping for another hour afterwards.

 

Hell

We had decided to stay past 10 to see the fireworks, which were amazing, and Matty's Dad and little brother came at around 8, parking in the parking lot. After the fireworks we raced to the car, getting there just in time to find a massive hellhole of horns and catawampus vehicles that was once the Wonderland parking lot. Mr. Matty was surprisingly calm for the TWO HOURS it took to get out of there. After about the hour mark, Matty began to act a bit strange. It began when he saw a really fat lady in a car who looked like a minor character in a movie he had seen. He began to freak out saying, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE HER! JUST FUCKING LIKE HER! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!" This sent Lowtool and I into spirals of laughter. He was quiet for a bit until his father pointed out a speed limit sign that was flipped upside down. I paraphrase slightly when I tell you that Matty went on a verbal rampage similar to, "WHAT THE FUCK? DOES NOBODY HAVE ANYTHING FUCKING BETTER TO DO THAN TO FUCKING VANDALIZE THIS FUCKING SIGN? SERIOUSLY!!! WHAT THE FUCK! OH MY FUCKING GOD!" He continued to rant about EVERYTHING.

"WHY THE FUCK IS THE GUARDRAIL WOOD CUT THAT WAY? IF YOU CUT THAT FUCKING END BIT OFF YOU COULD SAVE A WHOLE FUCKING TREE! THINK OF THE FUCKING ENVIRONMENT! MOTHERFUCKERS!"

"WE LEARNED ABOUT CLEAR-CUTTING AND SHIT IN GEOGRAPHY, WHY IS THERE ONE FUCKING TREE OVER THERE, NO OTHER TREES, JUST ONE LONELY FUCKING TREE! WHAT THE FUCK? WHO LEAVES ONE FUCKING TREE? WHAT MOTHERFUCKER LEAVES ONE FUCKING TREE ALONE? WHY IS THAT TREE SO FUCKING SPECIAL?"

"LOOK IN THAT DITCH. ROCKS, FUCKING ROCKS! WHO FILLS THE FUCKING DITCH WITH ROCKS? WHERE THE FUCK DID THOSE FUCKING ROCKS COME FROM? FUCK. CHOOSE, FUCKING GRASS OR ROCKS! ONE OR THE OTHER! FUCKING GRASS OR FUCKING ROCKS, NOT BOTH! WHO PUTS ROCKS AND GRASS? MOTHERFUCKER."

That continued for about 45 minutes while his Dad drove slowly and Lowtool nodded off on my shoulder. I wanted to kill myself.

 

We spent 16 hours out that day. It was fun all in all, but I now know that if you want to see the fireworks, park outside Wonderland.

 

That's it for today,

'Till next time,

-MAESTRO